Chopping, cutting or dicing things, for example, do well when under a fine super sharp edge. With a high refine on the slicing line, it puts less pressure in the arms and hands to overwork and overshoot. Keep things in control and it's a safer work environment.

Reason is, when the knife, axe or machete is a little blunt, it takes more effort in swinging and welding it to make a cut. All that wild swinging and extra energy can easily kick away into the arm or even the fine veneer of the tabletop.

Lest you're looking to turn things out to an axe and hatchet job, it really does pay to know what you're working with and the best materials to stock.

Unless, of course, the whole point at being at the table is to create as much mess as possible. Why then, forget about any sane advice and only keep in the fact that if you're working with chilli, you don't rub anywhere near eyes no matter what.

 

Arrr ya ready for the scourge of the seas to float the banks on September 19? Ya should be, that be tha day to talk like a pirate. Internationally speaking of course.

Recent fare on the silver screens would have Captain Jack Sparrow as the leader in lexicon. Teacher of the uncut tongue of the high seas fare. Follow the drummer and watch the plank from underneath, the wood moves fast, the tap dancing dogs faster.

Other pirates on the day might look at their Bit Torrent and other peer-to-peer networks for lingo on the swapping of their booty and gold doubloons. Doesn't matter how or where, it's the day of the pirate to show up full fare.

How the tide flows, or where the grog goes, it's a chance to smartly scrub up the sheets and swig a jug for the day to talk and ride the seas like pirate beast.

Savvy?

 

With the lights out it's less dangerous. And then in the dark it's where nobody can see you sniffing hard up against the plastic blister of your action figure collection. Strange things people do in the comfort of their own garages.

From a female friend spaying "Kurt smells like Teen Spirit" on a wall to the phenomenal anthem of the disenfranchised ages. Sniffing brings up less through a shield of plastic. Worse still when the object inside smells nothing like a corpse.

Kurt Cobain, dead at 27, lead force behind Nirvana with Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl. Immortalised in various forms and here, in the guise of an action figure that can take out The Beatles or Ozzy Osbourne himself. Finding the other two members of Nirvana to reform the band is highly unlikely in a 7 inch high figure format.

Be careful of adopting the grunge look and hitting a heavy dose of odours. A thick and unkempt mat of hair can still choke if sucked up and through the nostrils. It has happened.

 

Davy Jones, owner of that famous underwater locker so many overboard and lost sailors and pirates visit before their deaths.

Jones also happens to be the villain in the sequel, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), it seems, made a deal and now the one with a beard of tentacles has come to collect on the debt.

And what of that monstrous beauty that is his beard? A flowing and dangling series of tentacles like last week's dive into the seafood buffet.

Tougher to take care of than a head full of dreadlocks, it's quite possible that one major point in care is making sure the tentacles don't dry out. Drying out is bad for normal hair. When you take partially living limbs in consideration, it's a vital message to massage.

And making sure other people don't go biting the beard is another.

 

Climbing up the charts like songs with cowbells and bonsai kittens left too long in the toaster oven, summer gets hotter and hotter.

With thanks in large to global warming, there appears no escaping the sweltering sweat of summer's breast. The hottest place outside the sun and poor shade would be in Marv's seat. Electrifying no doubt, but at least the burn is all over and done with a flash. And not just on the skin without driving in.

For a warmer taste of the action and a smell of the bacon, take a few moments to increase the voltage.

Beat it blue - Wear all black all day long and enjoy the roast. Gym memberships can't ever be as cheap as insanity.

Warm is hot and hot is scorchin' - Find metal made street furniture and rest a while. A few seconds on torched metal is quicker than minutes on frying wood.

Burn it like a hermit - close the doors, switch off the fans and air conditioning and do some menial tasks. Pretty soon, you too can be all exhausted and the next on the news for heat stroke.

"That all you got, Global Warming?"

 

Gremlins, like any pet that chews holes into budgets and smears its love all over the carpeted areas of the dungeon, need some care. Essential to the domesticity of their kind into being civil citizens of a house are three golden rules.

1. Keep them away from bright light; 2. Don't get them wet; 3. Never feed them after midnight.

All very well and good and transferable to many other species, such as mutants and goldfish. Takes some thought into looking after pets, and humans, and even cars for that matter.

Short of drinking a spiked flask of Dr Catheter's brain formula, there are more than a few ways to work on increasing the nubbly wobbly matter floating in the skull.

Meditation - According to New Scientist, the quiet still of deep meditation can work those brain muscles into throbbing busters of thought and cognition.

The Guarana hit - found in many Brazilian drinks and swimming in the backwash with Vitamin B in some energy drinks. Like drinking brain juice, moderation is key. (Dr Pepper is still hard to find in Australian stores and somewhat irrelevant to this note.)

Mental calisthenics - Crossword puzzles, Sudoku, anagrams featuring Alec Guinness, little exercises that work on the memory and its acuity also happen to stave off Alzheimers. To an extent.

Man With Two Brains - If all else fails, there's the option of swapping brains. Warning, some personality waste may affect as part of any transfer.

 

 

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